Unmasking Men: Insights Into Indian Relationships

What Prompted Dear Men

Prachi Gangwani had an unusual insider’s take on Indian relationships. As a “sex and relationships” columnist for an online women’s lifestyle magazine, she probably read a barrage of comments. Her curiosity stoked by themes she encountered, she often asked her colleagues about their worst dates. Or the worst comments that men have made to them ever. In general, the woman had many gripes. About men who didn’t communicate adequately, who didn’t respect their friends enough. About men who lied or ghosted them.

Even current boyfriends seemed to fall short. “There is a lot of heartbreak among women, I realized, at the hands of men.” Gangwani felt like the market desperately needed a dating guide for men. Dear Men is not exactly that. It’s more like a map about where Indian men might be situated at this point – not geographically, but culturally. And where they should head, if they want to make things better not just for women, but also for themselves.

The Specifics of Her Study

With caveats that Dear Men exclusively addresses heterosexual relationships, Gangwani discloses the particulars of her study. Which consisted of conversations with 71 men and 23 women, many of whom were raised in the big cities or moved there later. Moreover, this lot was educated and urbane. The kind who were familiar with terms like “enthusiastic consent” and “gender fluidity.”

Her interviewees range in age from 20 to 40. Many men grew up in the big cities or moved there from smaller cities. In general, Prachi found men in their 20s more open than men in their late 30s. The former were less judgmental of women who had relationships earlier, or had sex, and were more accepting of working women.

Of course, “men” in India or in any place, cannot be categorized as a monolithic lot. Drawing on her conversations, Prachi does eke out insights that can augment our understanding of where things stand for many, if not all.

Women’s Rights: Inch by Inch

Prachi observes that women’s rights have gained ground on some fronts – citing, for instance, the 2015 Pinjra Tod (break the cage) movement that petitioned for changes in outdated rules and regulations applied to women’s hostels and PG accommodations or the Gulabi Gang created by Sampat Pal Devi to address domestic violence cases that did not receive adequate support from the police.

#MeToo and Its Offshoots

Tanushree Dutta set off the Indian #MeToo movement in October 2018. Many other Bollywood actresses started emerging with accusations. From Entertainment, the movement rippled into Media. The journalist Sandhya Menon kicked off a flood of complaints – against men in media organizations.

Menon also raised the issue of how objectification had become normalized. Prachi also realized, when reflecting on her own past relationships with close friends, on how boundaries had been pushed in some instances. Of how both genders needed lessons on what consent really meant.

Gangwani herself was wary about riding in a car with a date and his friends. After all, as a journalist, she had written about gang rapes often occurring inside moving vehicles. Prachi said such mixed feelings are common for both men and women. As she puts it, “Love is a curious mix of adventure, attraction, desire, experimentation, rule-breaking, rule-making, flirtation…and fear.”

On a WhatsApp group, one of Prachi’s well-known friends was accused of rape. “He was a ‘cool’ Delhi guy – a photographer, friendly, funny, well-educated and well-traveled…” Other familiar names were also outed. This created a sense of distrust and fear in women’s groups. If known friends and acquaintances were being “outed” – whom could they trust?

What Gangwani discovered soon after was that #MeToo had also instilled fears in men. Like, was it okay to flirt with a stranger at a bar? When should one ask for consent while getting physical? “If she has flirted with me and given me all the signs that she wants something more, am I still supposed to ask her?” Some men admitted to having become so anxious, they were afraid to reciprocate even after a woman had signaled her attraction.

Men: Evolving Too Slowly

Despite #MeToo and other thrusts to dispel patriarchy, there aren’t adequate shifts in male self-awareness and behavior. More significantly, men have not broken the mould of outdated gender constructs. Many remain inside the confines of a “Man Box” – which “leads to emotional suppression, misogyny and homophobia in men.”

A word that came up frequently when describing men was “stoicism”: “Men are raised to be stoics, to be unaffected by the vicissitudes of life, to remain unemotional in face of pain or joy.” Ayush Chandra, a clinical psychologist in Delhi, confirmed that “emotional suppression” was pervasive among Indian men, which led, in turn, to other issues.

Women, on the other hand, are seeking men who are more expressive, who are willing to reveal or share vulnerabilities. This also eases the pressure on men. Who don’t have to play into being powerful and chivalrous, or remain the main breadwinners. Moreover, when it comes to parenting, absent fathers are no longer kosher.

Gangwani talks about why men need alternate forms of masculinity to be validated. For instance, do men only need to talk about money made or deals brokered, while engaging in unhealthy behaviors inside boys’ clubs – like drinking, smoking and drugs? Why can’t men also discuss meals cooked, scarves knitted, tussles between kids and teachers, or just movies and books?

There are also different styles of listening. Men tend to spring for solutions when confronted with a problem. “Women on the other hand, see conversation as an end in itself.” Empathetic listening, as Prachi puts it, is not easy even for women. When the other person is raising a concern or tabling a thought, it’s quite human to respond with a counterview or judgment or solution.

Some ways to diffuse such differences include communication, therapy, but more significantly cultural shifts. When a few men shatter stereotypes and succeed – that is, embody fulfilment or contentment – others might be emboldened to follow. Sometimes all it takes are small steps, but hey, even a tango starts with a single sway.

References

Prachi Gangwani, Dear Men: Masculinity and Modern Love in #MeToo India, Bloomsbury India, 2021