From Isolation to Illumination: Leveraging Human Connection

Loneliness Breeds Polarization

Loneliness might not just be an American scourge anymore, but could be seeping into other societies. Teens and aging parents can feel lonely inside families, just as partners might feel adrift inside marriages. Statistics show that lonely people are also more likely to enter politics. A lot of the angry rhetoric in politics might be fueled by frustrated loners.

Recognizing that we need to connect across cultural and political aisles, in How To Know A Person, David Brooks, the New York Times columnist suggests: “If we want to begin repairing the big national ruptures, we have to learn to do the small things well.” Drawing from neuroscience, theatre, philosophy, history and education, he combines personal anecdotes with real life stories to illustrate how such schisms can be bridged.

Starting Out A Detached Observer

Brooks grew up in an unusually aloof Jewish family: “We were reserved, stiff-upper-lip types.” His folks engaged in stimulating discussions and traded clever facts, but rarely expressed emotions. Such aloofness had a ruboff on David, from as early as his kindergarten years. Rather than engage with other kids, he stood aside to watch them. At high school, he felt most at ease when writing. Alone. Persisting with this behavior through his Bachelor’s at the University of Chicago, where one of the popular T-shirts read: “Sure it works in practice, but does it work in theory?” he turned into an affable and somewhat reticent adult. He found intimate connections awkward and off-putting.

He shuffled through life, mostly keeping his feelings out of sight. For instance, at a ball game, when a bat accidentally landed at his feet, he wasn’t able to display the customary elation. On a panel discussion with theatre folks, that included Anne Hathaway among others, he was compelled to participate in a pre-panel group hug and then on a post-panel group hug. While also showing more emotions than he ever had during the conversation, he felt good: “I vowed to alter my life.”

He also realized that as he aged, his personal goals had shifted. He didn’t care as much about being knowledgeable as he did about being “wise.” “Wise people don’t just possess information, they possess a compassionate understanding of other people.”

Connection Fuels Growth

Brooks has a growth mindset and is keen on self-improvement. After appearing twice on Oprah’s Super Soul Sundays, Oprah herself observed a shift in his second (2019) appearance compared with his earlier (2015) one. But sensing that he still needed to learn much about the nuances of relationship building, he set out to do what he does best: write a book about it. As it happened, in the current context, such skills are being eroded across the board. At the core, he believes, it is the ability “to accurately know another person” that counts.

Such competence is not just necessary for humanitarian reasons, but for practical ones. Like to pick a life partner or to hire an employee. “If you want to thrive in the age of AI, you better become exceptionally good at connecting with others.”

Diminishers Vs Illuminators

He categorizes people into two Types: Diminishers and Illuminators. The former makes people feel small, invisible. The latter ensures folks “feel bigger, deeper, respected, lit up.”

Once at Bell Labs, the organization tried to understand why some researchers were succeeding, while others seemed stuck. They discovered that all their successful researchers had breakfasted with someone called Harry Nyquist. Nyquist was an Illuminator. He knew what questions to ask others, to help them progress towards solutions.

Being an Illuminator also requires reading others well. Ironically, studies show that spouses who have been married for longer know each less well. They might have earlier versions of themselves stuck in their heads, so they can’t see how a partner has changed.

The problem with “sizing up” people as soon as you meet them is that you will likely default to stereotypes. Or make false assumptions. Reasons for being a Diminisher include, as Brooks puts it, egotism, anxiety (when you are so caught up in how you are appearing, you don’t pay attention to the other), reducing folks to points on data sets or assuming that their minds are somehow lesser than yours.

Expand Your Knowing

Knowing is an art. The Koreans call it “nunchi” and the Germans call it “herzenbildung.”  Brooks argues that it’s more complicated to know a person than it is to operate an aircraft. It requires special and intense training. “You can be loved by a person yet not known by them.”

Illuminators give people the kind of attention that makes them glow. The psychiatrist Iain McGilchrist writes: “Attention is a moral act: it creates, brings aspects of things into being.” The key is to treat each person you encounter as a precious soul. Your gaze must say: “I want to get to know you and be known by you.” Illuminators are curious, receptive, generous and holistic (as opposed to reductive) when viewing others.

Attend to Conversations

Brooks suggests paying more attention to conversations. “…a good conversation sparks you to have thoughts you never had before.” By asking questions, “you are adopting a posture of humility.” Since “[each] person is a mystery. And when you are surrounded by mysteries, as the saying goes, it’s best to live life in the form of a question.”

Basically, he suggests that conversational and social skills can be honed. The chapter titled “Good Talks” – dwells on how to be an “active listener”, to be engaged in a conversation. “When another person is talking, you want to be listening so actively that you’re practically burning calories.”

Use the “looping” technique – paraphrase what the person just said to ensure you got it right. SLANT to listen – Sit up, Lean Forward, Ask questions, Nod and Track the speaker.” Ask open-ended questions: “What’s it like…” “How did you…”

For the large part, readers tend to be more empathetic. So do older people. Because suffering teaches, “[In] general, people get better as they age.” But these techniques can be adopted by all age groups to bridge divides. One conversation at a time.

References

David Brooks, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen, Allen Lane, 2023