Fragile Wings, Bold Spirit: Santa Khurai’s Inspiring Odyssey

The Yellow Sparrow, translated from the Manipuri by Rubani Yumkhaibam, has a poignant genesis. As a transgender woman or Nupi Maanbi in Manipur, the author, Santa Khurai had always struggled to belong. Her Baba (father) rejected her feminine side. Her mother confronted disparagement by family, friends and neighbors. One day, after a fight with Baba, she watched sparrows pecking at rice in the courtyard. When her mother swatted them with a swish of her shawl, all flew away but one. That particular sparrow, Khurai discovered, had a broken wing. Gently, she placed it in a clay pot and suspended it from a tree. She could relate to the poor creature’s fragility like few others could. It inspired her to write a poem titled “The Yellow Sparrow.”

Finding Her Community

When she was 16 years old, and had just finished high school, she encountered three “homos” a term used to describe effeminate men in her community. During an annual ritual, they wore their pheijoms or dhotis in a slightly different style from that of other men. Moreover, they also wore enaphis, or white shawls donned by Manipuri women. She sensed how they bonded with each other, regaling themselves with insider jokes and quiet nudges. But noticed how they were also ostracized or taunted by others. She too had been called a “homo” at school, but never at home. She was fascinated by these men – by their self-assurance, and gaiety. She followed them to the riverbank, where they headed to wash vessels but did not dare talk to them.

Eventually, the men reached out to her on their own. At that point, she was still considered a boy. And she was afraid of being caught with the “homos.” She knew that she was like them. But also aware of the taboos surrounding the trio. Yet, when they spoke to her, they seemed to indicate some awareness of her self-doubt. Because her mother had already spoken to them. For the first time, Santa felt folks were publicly acknowledging a feeling that had been residing inside her all along – that she wasn’t a typical male, that perhaps she too was a “homo” who could relate to this group, as few others could.

Dispelling Harshness with Humor

She started making excuses to meet them. Through them, she encountered others – who were open about liking men, or about being effeminate. Though they all faced difficulties, she realized that one of the means by which they countered biases or rude remarks was with humor. Despite facing jibes inside their families, they were also greeted with love and acceptance. Interestingly, “most of the love and gentle concern came from the women in the family.”

She was also warned that male lovers could not be trusted. That they would get tangled up with them, steal their hearts and toy with their emotions, but would eventually marry women. Khurai actually witnessed such ruthless ghosting play out for someone.  To make matters worse, her friend “could not recount the injustice and pain he was going through to anyone in our society.”

Defying Norms, Facing a Backlash

Santa was also the first person in her neighborhood to pass the matriculation exam in the first attempt. This gave her more confidence to openly flaunt her femininity and wear women’s clothes. Besides, she was a 17-year-old now, and she felt she could finally do as she pleased. Even if many of her own family members disapproved. But when her girlfriends visited her at home once, her Baba openly chided and disparaged her in their presence. She felt humiliated and enraged. She was also teased on the streets. Slur words were added to “homo”. 

She started dabbing makeup and looking like a glamorous woman. Even her trans and queer friends avoided her, because of insults hurled at her when she walked the streets. After watching Pretty Woman, she was enamored with Julia Roberts, and deliberately imitated her dressing style. Along with her new clothes, she noticed subtle changes in her persona. Like her voice, which had become more feminine. And gained notoriety as someone “who dressed like a woman in broad daylight.”

On many occasions, she and her friends were thrashed by men wielding bamboo sticks. Or derided with abusive epithets. All of which she was forced to cover up at home, since there wasn’t anyone who seemed to wholly empathize with her.

Catwalks and Dreams

At the Imphal Bazar, she met many other fellow trans and for the first time, felt a sense of community and freedom. They gathered at the Indira Park, where they were allowed to wear the clothes they wanted, share jokes and stories like other folks. Till the Manipuri commandos started arresting people at the Park. So they had to find alternate meeting spots – river banks, or at sites that sold yu, a type of liquor. Or at the polo ground, where they catwalked on a wooden gallery.

When she encountered Tom Sharma, a top fashion designer, who was gay but also well-respected in the community, she was galvanized. She wished to become important like him, indispensable, imbued with purpose. Tom wore feminine clothing and make-up. “…he walked ahead of the age-old customs and prejudices.” Sharma agreed to impart make-up techniques to her. She watched him teach models to catwalk. She started getting more respect in the community when a model that she glammed up became a runner-up in a beauty contest.

Staging her Resistance

When she joined a college for a B.A. degree, she had to contend with much teasing and taunting, especially from the boys. Once while performing a dance on stage, the anchor insultingly introduced her as “the one and only homo of the college.” Not one to buckle easily, she grabbed the anchor’s mike, and with tears in her eyes retorted: “Yes, I am a homo. But my real name, given by my parents, is Santa. I am a human like you all, I have the same feelings as you, I get hurt, I feel love, I can cry, and nobody can beat me in any field.”

Toward the end of the second year of her degree, she opted to join a beauty parlor and later started her own salon.

Around then, campaigns were being organized around HIV/Aids. Queers and trans were targeted inside families, as carriers of the disease. Santa sensed how unfair everything was. While she was building her beautician skills and career, she noticed friends showing symptoms of AIDS. Some committed suicide.

Beyond Borders: Trans Activism

She penned articles, drawing the attention of a well-regarded human rights activist. Invited to attend a workshop hosted by UNHCR, she was emboldened by new perspectives. She gleaned how violence was always intersectional. Elected the Secretary of AMaNA (All Manipur Nupi Maanbi Association), she also worked with SAATHI (Solidarity and Action Against HIV Infection in India). She advocated for new terminology that would invest transgender people with dignity and respect.

She emphasizes that issues faced by the transgender population in Manipur are complex and multidimensional, given that the state is highly militarized. Even in judgments passed by the Supreme Court – like in a 2014 judgment authorizing the recognition of a “third gender”, terms specific to the Northeast (like Nupi Maanbi or Nupa Maanba) were not included. In queer forums, she feels ignored or marginalized by Hindi and English-speaking folks. “Even though I tried to share the socio-cultural aspects of Manipur, other mainland Indians were not able to understand or appreciate it.”

When assigned to oversee districts inhabited by Kukis and Nagas, she couldn’t be seen talking to one or the other community for fear of reprisal by both. She even traveled to Geneva, after publishing a book Gaining Full Citizenship of Manipuri Indigenous Transgender. Since then the communal conflict in Manipur has made the lives of transgenders more precarious. “My desire is to present the invisible narratives of women, children and transgenders who suffer the most during such crises.”

Through peaks and troughs, Khurai’s journey is a testament to the power of resilience and self-acceptance in an enduring fight for recognition and rights.

References

Santa Khurai, The Yellow Sparrow: Memoir of a Transgender Woman, Translated from the Manipuri by Rubani Yumkhaibam, Speaking Tiger, 2023